Ok, This is not really late night by most people's definition, at least not people my age. It's 11:16, it's pass my normal bed time, I am exhausted, but I don't want to go to bed for some reason. Zach's fast asleep and I really hope I don't wake him up later when I try to sneak under the blanket.
I just feel conflicted, stronger than ever recently, about many things.
First of all, my relationship with Zach. There's absolutely no doubt that I love him very much, I care about him more than I care about myself. I know that he has different imperfections here and there and he has issues that he needs to work on. But who doesn't, you do, I do, we all do. God knows who I really am in other people's eyes, and God only know all my imperfections and issues that I need to work on. The real problem is, I don't know where to find the balance between him and my parents, or the "tradition" of the relationship with my parents that I grow up with. This relationship is hard to talk about with anyone, it's hard to explain and I am not entirely sure myself if I really know what this relationship is. I have been pondering in my head about what am I going to do in 10 years, in 20 years. What am I going to do if I stay here, marry Zach, start a family, while my parents are thousands of miles away, what happens when they get old and get sick, when they are all alone and wants to actually spend time with their only daughter?? It's a hard decision to make, and it started to become a more pressing issue as my graduation draws near and as I am getting older. Maybe I am just thinking too much, maybe Zach doesn't even want to settle down yet, who knows what he really thinks, one day he wants to talk about marriage and paint a picture of a happy family, and another day he wants to be a nomad. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I can't just let our relationship grow and grow and grow and one day, boom, there's going to be a big sacrifice made, whichever side took the sacrifice would not be good, at all!
OK I am really tired and I know I need to get to bed. Not a night animal at all apparently. I guess I will save my other inner conflicts for later rambling.
